Bad Jokes Section

Welcome to TRF's Bad Joke Zone

Don't be surprised if you find a bit of a theme develeoping here

Q. What's the difference between Barry Ferguson and a constipated owl?
A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!

A Dons fan was taking a holiday in New York and enters a back-alley antiques shop. He spots a detailed, bronze sculpture of a rat and asks the owner what it costs. "Ten dollars for the rat," says the man, "and fifty more for the story behind it. "I'll just have the rat then" says the Dons fan. The Dons fan then heads back into the streets pleased with his purchase when he notices that a 5 live rats have fallen into line behind him. The tourist begins to worry and picks up the pace, and when he looks round again he notices more and more rats are pouring out from the sewars. Beginning to panic the Dons fan breaks into a jog to outrun his pursuers, and as people look on in amazement the Dons fan sees the swarm has grown to thousands. He starts to lift the pace again but no matter how fast he runs the now millions of rats keep up, squealing hideously. The Dons fan notices the waterfront at the bottom of the hill and sprints full tilt to get there. In one mighty effort he hurls himself onto a lampost at the harbour and throws the bronze statue into the abyss. He watches in amazement as the seething rats dive head-first into the sea, where they drown. Shaking and numb the Dons fan trudges back to the antiques shop where the owner says. "Ah, so you are back for the story then?" "No," says the Dons fan, "but I was wondering if you had a sculpture of a Rangers supporter?"

Two Rangers fans are out on a walk when they come across a set of tracks. One says to the other "I think they're moose tracks." The other thinks differently and says "No, they're definetely deer tracks." The two disagree and protest for hours. They were still arguing when the train hit them!

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Joe Harper, Aberdeen FC's record goal scorer." The others agreed that he had to live, and so he took first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Tommy Sheridan, said, " I am the gadfly all democratic systems need to keep the incumbent government on their toes." Again, the others agreed that he had to live, and so he took second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, David Beckham, said, " I'm the captain of the England football team. The nation looks up to me. I'm an icon. I am also much cleverer than people think - see?" With that, he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a good Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. Beckham has just taken my Schoolbag."

World Cup 1

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Marionette and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Pierre and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Marcel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Marcel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

World Cup 2

A primary teacher starts a new job and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a football fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are supporting England in the World Cup . Everyone raises other than one little girl. The teacher looks at her and asks "Sally, why didn't your hand go up?"
"Because I am not an England fan, miss" She replies. The teacher looks very shocked and asks "Well if your not supporting England, then who do you support?" The little girl looks round the room and then answers "I'm supporting Sweden, Nigeria and Argentina instead.
The teacher then goes bright red. "Sally, why on earth are you supporting England's enemies" she shouts.
"Because my mum and dad are from Scotland and my mum is a Scotland fan, so I am a Scotland fan." She answers.
The teacher is by this time really peed of. "That is NO reason for you to be a Scotland fan. You don't have to be what your parents are. I mean, what would you be if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict that stole cars and beat up innocent people?"
The little girl says "That would make me an England Fan"

The Aberdonian
An Aberdonian, a sheep, and an alsatian were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aberdonian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it but the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the chap took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A Rangers supporting family were shopping in the Bob-Accord centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Tom suddenly puts on an Aberdeen shirt and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Don!".

His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Don".

His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, "Da', da', I'm a Don". His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face.

On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've learned something today" to which Little Joey replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Don for two minutes and I already hate you Rangers bastards!"

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy an old Ford Consul." said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in Govan!."

"Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever..."

Any truth in the rumour that Gordon Bennett has applied for the vacant post of Squeaker of the House of Commons?

Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top:

The Hearts fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Jambos!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Hibs fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Hibbees!"

Seeing this, the Aberdeen fan walked over and shouted "This is for the Don's" and pushed the Rangers fan off the side of the mountain.

We're told of a linguistics professor in Canada who was telling is class "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." To which an Aberdonian voice piped up from the back "Aye, right."

Wiggy drives round the Harbour (common occurrence among dir/ce's) and accidentally goes into the water. Some young kids seeing this jump in and save him.
He asks them all what they want for doing this. The first one requests a season ticket and the second a signed top. However, the third one requests a wheelchair. SM is stunned by this as the lad appears fine and asks why, to which he replies " When my dad finds out it was you I saved I'll need a f*cking wheelchair!"

Home


	Q. What's the difference between Barry Ferguson and a constipated owl? A. One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit!
	A Dons fan was taking a holiday in New York and enters a back-alley antiques shop. He spots a detailed, bronze sculpture of a rat and asks the owner what it costs. "Ten dollars for the rat," says the man, "and fifty more for the story behind it. "I'll just have the rat then" says the Dons fan. The Dons fan then heads back into the streets pleased with his purchase when he notices that a 5 live rats have fallen into line behind him. The tourist begins to worry and picks up the pace, and when he looks round again he notices more and more rats are pouring out from the sewars. Beginning to panic the Dons fan breaks into a jog to outrun his pursuers, and as people look on in amazement the Dons fan sees the swarm has grown to thousands. He starts to lift the pace again but no matter how fast he runs the now millions of rats keep up, squealing hideously. The Dons fan notices the waterfront at the bottom of the hill and sprints full tilt to get there. In one mighty effort he hurls himself onto a lampost at the harbour and throws the bronze statue into the abyss. He watches in amazement as the seething rats dive head-first into the sea, where they drown. Shaking and numb the Dons fan trudges back to the antiques shop where the owner says. "Ah, so you are back for the story then?" "No," says the Dons fan, "but I was wondering if you had a sculpture of a Rangers supporter?"
	Two Rangers fans are out on a walk when they come across a set of tracks. One says to the other "I think they're moose tracks." The other thinks differently and says "No, they're definetely deer tracks." The two disagree and protest for hours. They were still arguing when the train hit them!
	An aeroplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only four parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Joe Harper, Aberdeen FC's record goal scorer." The others agreed that he had to live, and so he took first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Tommy Sheridan, said, " I am the gadfly all democratic systems need to keep the incumbent government on their toes." Again, the others agreed that he had to live, and so he took second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, David Beckham, said, " I'm the captain of the England football team. The nation looks up to me. I'm an icon. I am also much cleverer than people think - see?" With that, he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, the Pope, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a good Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. Beckham has just taken my Schoolbag."
	World Cup 1 It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Marionette and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Pierre and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Marcel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Marcel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
	World Cup 2 A primary teacher starts a new job and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a football fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are supporting England in the World Cup . Everyone raises other than one little girl. The teacher looks at her and asks "Sally, why didn't your hand go up?" "Because I am not an England fan, miss" She replies. The teacher looks very shocked and asks "Well if your not supporting England, then who do you support?" The little girl looks round the room and then answers "I'm supporting Sweden, Nigeria and Argentina instead. The teacher then goes bright red. "Sally, why on earth are you supporting England's enemies" she shouts. "Because my mum and dad are from Scotland and my mum is a Scotland fan, so I am a Scotland fan." She answers. The teacher is by this time really peed of. "That is NO reason for you to be a Scotland fan. You don't have to be what your parents are. I mean, what would you be if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict that stole cars and beat up innocent people?" The little girl says "That would make me an England Fan"
	The Aberdonian An Aberdonian, a sheep, and an alsatian were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aberdonian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it but the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the chap took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
	A Rangers supporting family were shopping in the Bob-Accord centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Tom suddenly puts on an Aberdeen shirt and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Don!". His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Don". His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, "Da', da', I'm a Don". His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face. On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've learned something today" to which Little Joey replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Don for two minutes and I already hate you Rangers bastards!"
	A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy an old Ford Consul." said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in Govan!." "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever..."
	Any truth in the rumour that Gordon Bennett has applied for the vacant post of Squeaker of the House of Commons?
	Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top: The Hearts fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Jambos!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Hibs fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Hibbees!" Seeing this, the Aberdeen fan walked over and shouted "This is for the Don's" and pushed the Rangers fan off the side of the mountain.
	We're told of a linguistics professor in Canada who was telling is class "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." To which an Aberdonian voice piped up from the back "Aye, right."
	Wiggy drives round the Harbour (common occurrence among dir/ce's) and accidentally goes into the water. Some young kids seeing this jump in and save him. He asks them all what they want for doing this. The first one requests a season ticket and the second a signed top. However, the third one requests a wheelchair. SM is stunned by this as the lad appears fine and asks why, to which he replies " When my dad finds out it was you I saved I'll need a f*cking wheelchair!"