FINAL IN A BOX
"Not being there," is a strange feeling. "Not being all there," is a common state but being
stuck in front of the telly for a final for the first time since "those days" is a very strange feeling.
It isn't as if I don't know the format - after all it's been a while since the showpiece close to the season has
featured the famous Aberdeen - but it does take on a different meaning when you know you should be there.
Even given knowledge of the events on the park, the television experience leaves a hell of a lot to be desired.
So much so that for long stretches Radio Scotland was employed to run interference, as the Americans might describe
it, followed by much muttering at a bemused other half.
To set the scene, the BBC set off at 12.20, Radio Scotland at 1.00 and Sky Sports 1 at 2.30. The videos clicked
in at the appropriate moments, the cassette recorded On The Ball - why I don't know, but if Sparky wants a recording
of his longest contribution to that show it could be arranged...
Now, at this point I have to place on the record that Dougie Donnelly has said that he is a supporter of Clyde
or Clydebank or Tillicoutry Athletic or Baulkham Hills Women or somebody. For the sake of clarity, I have made
the assumption that he is a hun, he has always been a hun and will be sent to meet his maker as a hun. This may
be erroneous and if Mr. Donnelly wishes to refute this suggestion then I invite him to do so, it's just that I
think he's a hun.
Speaking of huns, the BBC had the notion to showcase the previous finals between the two combatants. Unfortunately
for Auntie Beeb the score was only 3-2 to the forces of evil and one of those was in black and white. However,
it did give Willie Miller the chance to describe that Steve Ritchie goal as hilarious and during the course of
these segments it was noticable the change in Miller between 1982 and 1983.
Oor Willie always looked focussed and determined but if you get the chance to compare the images of Miller collecting
the cup in '82 and '83 you will notice the difference - and it's not just the adoption of the famous one-handed
grasp on the cup and the raised hands salute to the crowd. It is a significant change. Watch his eyes.
Willie and resident hun Gordon Smith chose their teams for the final. Smith won that with 100%, Willie picked Winters
ahead of Rowson so he almost got it right.
Had this been variety theatre then the next act on stage would have been the dodgy comedian - you know, the one
that's there to make the headliner who's on after the interval look good. This was BBC Scotland Sport though so
up popped Chick Young in Copenhagen to profile Ebbe Skovdahl. "Oh look Chick, there's Brian Laudrup, he's
your mate, isn't he..."
To be fair - hold it, why should I be fair to Chick "Jess will be a rangers player within 24 hours" Young?
I suppose he did think the ticket allocation was a scandal so he is due one piece of favourable criticism, although
it does induce the thought that he jumps on more Band Waggons than Arthur Askey. (That's one for the older reader!)
So, to be fair, he did speak to a number of faces in Denmark and they all spoke highly of Skovdahl and there was
only a hint of a love-in with Laudrup.
The downside was that it gave Doooogie the opportunity to try to knife Ebbe. Willie, being Willie was cautious
in his rebuttal saying that it was too early to judge and that next season would be the significant one. Doooogie
then point to the team being "disorganised" and found a bit more fellow feeling from Smith but not the
gushing acceptance that he seemed to be seeking.
Following a press release from the challenged men from Shiloh, sorry rangers, Donnelly was off again pushing the
prospect of a Blairite landslide victory for the huns. Willie once again declined his invitation to feast with
panthers and even Smith was beginning to tire of Donnelly's antics by announcing he hoped Aberdeen would score
first to really make a contest of it (even though he did suggest the 87th minute as good time to do it).
After the obligatory humorous interlude, the subs were on with Willie and Smith being replaced by Eric Black and
Hop-a-long Amoruso. A positive and attacking move by the Dons...
What would eventually prove to be the most uplifting telly moment of the day sneaked through the BBC filters with
the appearance of a home video of the Dons golf day in the week before the final. I say this because not only hardened
golfers like Jim Leighton featured but club swingers like Ebbe Skovdahl, indeed from the short excerpts shown it
seemed as though it was a team day out and that the spirits in the squad were reasonably high. Whatever else is
said in the media, the sight of the squad and management in such circumstances is heartening because our recovery
will only come from good teamwork and this was an overt display of a team together.
Quick quiz - Eric Black is sitting in front a camera at the Scottish Cup Final and someone asks him about the prospects
for a "heavy defeat" in the game. Who is it?
(Hint: DD - and no, a Double Diamond does not work wonders in this case. Unless it's a couple of diamond tipped
drills in the hands of a part-time labotomist.)
Well by now it was getting on for 2.30 and Sky's big day out, so whilst Chick Young proved that he was indeed in
Copenhagen to talk hun to Laudrup and Jim Leighton once again proved the best bits will be in the book...
The Sky Sports back four was White, Nicholas, Hendry and Hateley - three huns and a tim, not a good start. Charlie
Nick at least had played for and won the cup with the Dons in 1990 which gave both White and the Phantom Slasher
the chance to talk about the tims...
Warming up at the side of the pitch for Sky was David Tanner. I don't profess to having an opinion on his allegiances
but he made a bad start by claiming that we "should have been relegated." What do you expect from a man
that looks as if he was the model for those wee Lemmings that appeared in the old computer game.
At the BBC, Jim McCluskey was getting the powder puff treatment since he was retiring. It won't surprise you to
hear that I don't agree with the sycophantic drivel that was spouted about how wonderful he was since this is a
senior referee that refused to take technology on board by shunning the use of the electronic signaling flags system.
The "I'm in charge" attitude might have been good for Bruce Forsythe 40 years ago but it is bad for Scottish
football in this century. (Another one for the wrinklies there...)
As the tension mounted, the BBC ran with Fergie slating the team's performance in the '83 final and Ebbe's desire
to deal with the situation with a professional attitude and his struggle to rein in his emotions when things are
not going to his plan (where plan = football operation in the eyes of Wiggy).
Sky's biggest White set the scene with possibly the first "Dutch Orange" comment of the day. A tribute
to the Dutch contingent indeed, the other half, who cheerfully lays claim to a complete lack of knowledge of football,
uttered the now regulation issue, "Aye, that'll be right." Maybe next time they could try the Jaffa angle.
You know, round, fat, orange and seedless...
Auntie Beeb's Dippy Donglay was in full flow again with the Jess angle being explored. Pity for Dippy that Eric
thought he was doing much better than the media was giving him credit for, ruined a good cliché. Dippy fought
back hard with mention of Richard Gough CM and the four-times-a-season jibe. Eric would have done better to nut
him, even Amoruso was on the point of calling it bollocks.
So to the commentators, Rob MacLean and Smith for Auntie and Provan and Crocker, the usual suspects, for Sky. Rob
MacLean takes the trophy with an outright winner before the kick-off and I make no excuses for quoting it verbatim
-
It's a sea of orange, if you'll forgive the cliché, as we scan around Hampden. It's been said it's a tribute
to the Dutch contingent at ibrox, I fancy, Gordon, it's something a little more deep-rooted...
Smith gets the a comfortable second place with his reply which pointed out that the huns marketing machine had
spotted the opportunity. Bigotry is not only alive and well on the terraces with the huns but also on the balance-sheet.
That's why we'll never be rid of it.
A word for the stadium announcer - tosser would be a word for the stadium announcer - it seems "Rack-im"
and "Hitch-um" play for us but no such difficulties with the hun line-up. Bring back David Francie...
Nice to see Ebbe keeping the huns waiting before the gladiatorial entrance - McCluskey had to go looking for us
so that'll be an appointment with the SFA for Mr. Skovdahl.
So the game was afoot.
Actually the game was 115 seconds and we won it 0-0. It was followed by the headline comedy act of Ian Crocker.
Crocker has been covering Scottish football for Sky for long enough. He cannot be excused for mistaking Ryan Esson
for Robbie Winters. Even the fact that Winters was wearing Esson's goalkeepering shirt is not valid, Winters is
five-eight and dark, Esson six foot plus, fair and played in front of Crocker thirteen days before.
The remainder of the day was bad. Very bad. The game was over and even the avenue of support in adversity is lost
in front of the telly. The edited highlights being -
Martin Clark's maniacal grin as the fourth was scored. Clark would have taken over if McCluskey had been shot or
gone in to labour or been injured. Things could have been worse after all. Dear me, we would have been better off
with Barbara Cartland as fourth official and she's awfully dead. (By way of a sidebar, I think it was Graeme Garden
who once remarked that Cartland had written over 700 books, one for every year of her life...)
Hateley being asked about a goalkeeper being injured. The irony. Having said that the entire Sky panel looked shocked
by Jim's injury both at half-time and full-time making it plain that they felt the game was over as a spectacle
after that. White, however, did manage to slip in "should have been relegated" only to be corrected by
Nicholas and Hendry.
Dippy Donglay tried to support his beloved huns with the comment that, "I don't think that you can put any
of the goals down to Robbie Winters." Quite true, as a bare statement of fact, since Winters was playing for
the Dons and didn't in fact score. Something to do with the position he was playing in, perhaps? It was this comment
that roused the other half back to life after a strained couple of hours as she reacted to the spoken intent with,
"How can he say that! Even I know you can't play a whole game without a goalie." On the other hand, it
took the huns the best part of an hour to realise we didn't have a goalkeeper so perhaps nobody explained it to
Dippy - sooner he's back down south covering carpet bowls the better.
Best of times?
Worst of times?
Let's hope we learn from the season past and grow into a challenging team again.
And let's hope the board back the manager and continue the reshaping of the club.
Sir Claude Balls HTTP+bar